Jon’s Tumblr Thing-y


  1. mamitamojita:

    We are drinking Zuhl’s bourbon in the office. And I’m teaching everyone the Cupid Shuffle.

    Booker’s.

    So good. :-]

  2. In Which Jon’s Children Continue to Torture Him With Things They Find at Grandma’s House, Junior Prom Edition
"Who is this?"
"That’s me on the right, with my prom date."
"WHO IS SHE?! IS THAT AMY?”
"Her name was Melissa Ray, who because she was a maddening southern girl to her very core, went by "Missy Ray.’ I don’t know what’s happening with my hair, so please don’t ask. I was transitioning from parting it down the middle and trying and failing to feather it over to my normal part on the side. Shut up. It was the 80s and a very confusing time for hair for some of us."
"Wow."
"I’m going through a tunnel now, I can’t send or receive texts anymore. ‘Bye!"
"Dad!"

    In Which Jon’s Children Continue to Torture Him With Things They Find at Grandma’s House, Junior Prom Edition

    "Who is this?"

    "That’s me on the right, with my prom date."

    "WHO IS SHE?! IS THAT AMY?”

    "Her name was Melissa Ray, who because she was a maddening southern girl to her very core, went by "Missy Ray.’ I don’t know what’s happening with my hair, so please don’t ask. I was transitioning from parting it down the middle and trying and failing to feather it over to my normal part on the side. Shut up. It was the 80s and a very confusing time for hair for some of us."

    "Wow."

    "I’m going through a tunnel now, I can’t send or receive texts anymore. ‘Bye!"

    "Dad!"

  3. In Which I Would Now Like to Die
Kids are down in Mississippi at Grandma’s house this week.
My oldest daughter texts me, “What do you remember about Amy L?”
I run through all Amy Ls I’ve ever known and land on Amy Lxxxx (I’m protecting her identity, obviously).
"Yeah, Amy Lxxxx, I remember her. High school girlfriend."
"We just found a pile of notes she sent you."
AND THEN I DIED.
They (the oldest and the 16YO) then proceed to send me excerpts from the notes. 
Herewith is a sample from a note where she documented reasons why she likes me…
Verbatim:
I love your eyes! (They’re sparkly)
I love your personality (Really wild)
I love your shoulders (don’t ask me why)
I love your arms (” ” “)
You kiss good.
You kiss VERY good.
You like green M’n’Ms
You’re not shorter than me (I hate going out w/ short people)
You like me
You like D^2 (ed. note: that’s how she referred to Duran Duran, her obsession at the time) + you put up with a lot of crap from me
You understand me + know how to make me feel better
I’m going to be over here in the corner, slowly dying while my children send snippets of embarrassment from my past and write themselves out of the will.
(Also, she often addressed the notes to “S.G.” (Sex God), which is cringe worthy all by itself, but even more so when we take into account the fact that any sex we were having back then was purely theorectical in nature (hypothetical, really). Back to dying now.)
Though at least I have it in writing that I am a good kisser.
And that I have sparkly eyes.
LADIES.

    In Which I Would Now Like to Die

    Kids are down in Mississippi at Grandma’s house this week.

    My oldest daughter texts me, “What do you remember about Amy L?”

    I run through all Amy Ls I’ve ever known and land on Amy Lxxxx (I’m protecting her identity, obviously).

    "Yeah, Amy Lxxxx, I remember her. High school girlfriend."

    "We just found a pile of notes she sent you."

    AND THEN I DIED.

    They (the oldest and the 16YO) then proceed to send me excerpts from the notes. 

    Herewith is a sample from a note where she documented reasons why she likes me…

    Verbatim:

    1. I love your eyes! (They’re sparkly)
    2. I love your personality (Really wild)
    3. I love your shoulders (don’t ask me why)
    4. I love your arms (” ” “)
    5. You kiss good.
    6. You kiss VERY good.
    7. You like green M’n’Ms
    8. You’re not shorter than me (I hate going out w/ short people)
    9. You like me
    10. You like D^2 (ed. note: that’s how she referred to Duran Duran, her obsession at the time) + you put up with a lot of crap from me
    11. You understand me + know how to make me feel better

    I’m going to be over here in the corner, slowly dying while my children send snippets of embarrassment from my past and write themselves out of the will.

    (Also, she often addressed the notes to “S.G.” (Sex God), which is cringe worthy all by itself, but even more so when we take into account the fact that any sex we were having back then was purely theorectical in nature (hypothetical, really). Back to dying now.)

    Though at least I have it in writing that I am a good kisser.

    And that I have sparkly eyes.

    LADIES.

  4. At least I’ve got this going for me.

    At least I’ve got this going for me.

  5. I did this one a year or so ago.
The world will be a slightly less optimistic place for me for a little while, I think.

    I did this one a year or so ago.

    The world will be a slightly less optimistic place for me for a little while, I think.

  6. Good morning from my bedroom window.

    Good morning from my bedroom window.

  7. I still have this album on vinyl at my ex’s house. Well, technically, I bequeathed it to the oldest man child, but I could steal it back, I’m sure.
I played it so much I basically had it memorized
I am crushed at the news of his passing.
Though weirdly, all I can think about right now is one of my favorite one liners off that album:
"I wonder what chairs think about all day? ‘Well, here comes another asshole.’"
RIP, funnyman.

    I still have this album on vinyl at my ex’s house. Well, technically, I bequeathed it to the oldest man child, but I could steal it back, I’m sure.

    I played it so much I basically had it memorized

    I am crushed at the news of his passing.

    Though weirdly, all I can think about right now is one of my favorite one liners off that album:

    "I wonder what chairs think about all day? ‘Well, here comes another asshole.’"

    RIP, funnyman.

  8. Ivy League.

    Ivy League.

  9. Great, now my face hurts from laughing so much. Don’t ever go see Bamford perform, kids; your face will end up hurting.

    Great, now my face hurts from laughing so much. Don’t ever go see Bamford perform, kids; your face will end up hurting.

  10. I snorted.

    Especially @ the 2:10 mark.