This is the sound of victory: *flush!* I would rather not go into what victory smells like right now.
If you want to learn humility, start mucking around with your home plumbing system. Being covered in sludge makes you think about your life
Dropped the college student at the airport with a fresh set of comic books. Am now officially intensely jealous of her life.
Wife convinced me to re-do bathroom. “It’ll be easy!” 6 trips to Home Depot so far and if we can turn the water on tomorrow we’ll be lucky.
Really, I may die. Had to replace a valve and when we turned the main water on, new valve shot across the room and smacked me in the crotch.
When the 5 yr old tells a joke, she pauses before the punchline, looks around at everyone and then says, “OK, here comes the funny part.”
“Yes, I know you sent me out for brown sugar and I came home with a Wii and no brown sugar, but I think I can explain. Give me a minute.”
Thanksgiving holiday. A time when the nerds go home to eat and then spend the rest of the day fixing everyone’s grody Dell XP machines.
I have far more things to be thankful for than can fit in 140 characters.
Oldest daughter is coming home from college tonight for Thanksgiving. Hope she likes the guy who’s renting her room!
My mornings would go a *lot* smoother if my daughter would just give in and let me style her hair using staples and a hot glue gun.
A one act play. Scene: My Desk. Cop#1: So sad. Looks like he was trying to do something clever in the Terminal Cop#2: Then his brain blew up
What I just said to the parking garage guy: “You have yourself a lovely day!” Oh, man. Could I possibly be any more white?
Given the level of discourse among my children tonight, they all have promising careers ahead of them as Internet trolls.
Joe the Plumber’s book will be released on Dec. 1. See folks, that whole “write a book in a month” thing *totally* works.
Surely this was foretold in Revelations: “And I looked and beheld the angel open the seventh seal: NPR reviews ‘Chinese Democracy.’”
If my life were a video game, I just leveled up in laundry: “+1, ability to use bleach without harming clothes, people or small animals.”
You know that sense of cool, ironic detachment? You can’t pull that off when you say things like “no big whoop.” Sure, *now* they tell me.
I’ve been enjoying these folks lately. Perhaps you might as well. Or not. Whatevs. @secretsquirrel @delfie @auntmarvel @zolora & @evehorizon
I’m consistently the first one at work mornings and the last one to leave at night. But for everything in-between, I’d be a helluva employee
Power came back on. Any resemblance to a small, mewling kitten I exhibited in the last 20 minutes was purely coincidental, I assure you.
Power’s out @ work. I’m alone in the basement. It’s pitch black. In the film of my life, this is when the zombies come & I make “eek” noises
Silently judging you because you never use capital letters on your site. “you are not e.e. cummings.”
Brought SuperGlue into work to fix my headphones. You know where this is going. I essentially SuperGlued *everything* on my desk to myself.
Much like <strike> is a comedy crutch for bloggers, tacking on a clever hashtag in a tweet for comedic effect is cheating. #fav_this!
Just got a FedEx package with a full printout of an email. I… I… don’t even know where to start with everything that’s wrong about this.
This started as a tweet and just got 191 characters too long: http://is.gd/88X2
Wife: You like your new jeans OK? Me: Sure. Wife: Then why did you change right when you got home? Me: Simple, babe. Sweatpants. Are. Life.
Learned something new at the doctor. Turns out you should NOT strip down to your undies for a standard eye exam.
Getting extra nervous for my Dr. appt. this afternoon. Should have worn my “stunt” underwear.
My wife cracks me up. Speaking to our 10 year old: Someday I’ll miss the way you speak to me like I’m vermin, infesting your life.
It’s Monday and time to turn in my weekly Time Sheet. AKA, the best and most creative fiction anyone will ever read.
Be still my nerdly heart: “On FedEx vehicle for delivery.” Though apparently it’s bad form to try and staple our receptionist to her chair.
Today’s manly moment: Arguing at length with 5 yr old about a dress, and subsequently giving in and ironing it so she can wear it tomorrow.
In a room with a passel of Republican mucky-mucks. Promised my wife I wouldn’t make “gloat-y noises” about the election results. Failing.
Our college student daughter tells me she bought the Bratz movie. “For a paper.” Once again, I pause and think about all that tuition money.
Second Life. Is that still a thing people do? Really?
Was described as “kooky and amusing.” She was talking about my writing, but my insecurities lead me to believe it was my looks and hygiene.
And my habit of leaving key words out. Stick a “top” in that last tweet somewhere, please.
And when I say “leaving key words out.” I mean “leaving key words out of of sentences.” Someone take away my keyboard before I hurt myself.
There are many things I should change about my life, but I’m reasonably sure my habit of saying “yeppers” on IM should go to the of the list
Sadly, none of those previous meanderings were done on purpose. It’s like watching a drunk guy walk up ice coated stairs over here today.
Man, if you are a product of the 80s and MTV, mtvmusic.com will pretty much nuke your productivity for the day http://is.gd/7dRI Femmes!
Me: Can we buy this font? Accountant Co-worker: Is it for a project? Me: It’s a project I call, “I want to have it, please buy it for me.”
Wife worked v. late. In my sleep when she got home at 2am, I apparently mumbled, “oh good, you’re home and not dead. I’m glad.” Ah, amore!
The 5 yr old’s personal war on mornings continues. Scribbled sign taped to her door: “No Bothring bcaus I do Not want you neer heer.”
Goaded him into doing this, because I think it’s hilarious: http://is.gd/6Z8f As much of “Crazy Train” as I could get our clarinetist to do.