June 2008
Fine, SCOTUS. Go nuts about the 2nd amendment. Anyway, I’m 3rd amendment sort of fellow. NO SOLDIERS QUARTERED IN MY HOUSE W/O MY CONSENT.
(Discussing solutions to my dry skin) Wife: Well, how would it be if I oiled you up every night? Me: I’d be the luckiest man alive, babe.
Pro tips for parents of toddlers and pre-schoolers. Fart noises: always entertaining. And the word “poop” is endlessly funny to a 5 year old
“mommy can do my hair better with ribbons.” “well, sure, but can she install and configure OS X server?” Ellis (5) == unimpressed.
Well, OK, to be fair, it was my idea to change the name. But I forgot his birthday last year, so it’s like a belated b-day gift, really.
Changing @Moltz ‘s folder on my server from “moltz_ftp” to “Big_Chested_Randy_Coeds_ftp” BECAUSE HE ASKED ME TO.
Giving money to the Democratic party used to feel like irredeemable masochism. It’s so different now. I’m going to need a new hopeless cause
Today’s task list: Clone out perky nipples from a famous celebrity’s body double shot in a catalog. Living the dream over here.
Watchyoulooknicetoday:
Always Wear Gloves
Learn more about Adam’s special skills in You Look Nice Today Episode 4, “Peak Hair”.
Good to have the Outtake there at the end, too.
Me=wearing shorts today. Co-workers=laughing maniacally. Result=No, I don’t know why you can’t access the ‘Net today. Apologize to my calves
Found my long lost wedding ring over the weekend. Which is great, because I was *so* tired of all the ladies hitting on me. STOP SNICKERING.
I’m sorry, Al Gore; I fixed our central air conditioner over the weekend. Our carbon footprint is now “boot in your butt” sized.
Attention world: I am wearing shorts for the first time in approx. 15 years. Adjust your eyewear protection as necessary.
You have accurately sussed out that I don’t like you very much. First clue: I gave you that iTunes Season Pass for “Mind of Mencia.”
Can’t decide if it’s cool or horrifying that OS X’s built-in dictionary can spell “aromatherapist.”
The Love Guru is either the worst movie of the year or it has the worst trailers ever cut.
Ep. 04 of Technology! Whiskey! Sexy! is out: http://snurl.com/2kqyb Note: @moltz is the one responsible for the chicken noises. Me==innocent
Immediate vicinity co-workers are either on vacation or in meetings. You know what that means, right? Pantless Wednesdays, baby!
Must stop carrying iPod in my back pocket. Apparently adjusting the volume appears to old ladies on the sidewalk as if I’m fondling my toosh
_Ulysses_ : Clueless Undergraduate English Major :: Regular Expressions : Me
Way to make my wife immediately suspicious: Call to her from the bathroom, “Babe come here! You should see this!” [was only an odd bruise]
Important safety tip for those with open toe wounds: Epsom salt must be dissolved in water FIRST. Do NOT apply salt directly to wound.
Fair warning: “The Happening” does NOT contain any scenes with either “ReRun” or Dee from “What’s Happening!” Disappointing on *many* levels
Sorry for the self-referential link, but this: http://tinyurl.com/5t5kpx explains why I’m on legally prescribed opiates right now.
Prescribed opiates. Now *this* is the way to get through Staff Meeting.
It’s Friday evening, I’m high as a kite on pain meds and no one has cut off my access to ebay. Hell, yeah, I’m buying a Komatsu Front Loader
My big toe is numb. Which is nice, because 10 minutes ago, it was screaming in pain. I better get the good drugs for this.
Had lunch with @apelad. That guy NEVER shuts up about hobos, man. It’s all “hobo-this” and “hobo-that” Jeez, we get it, you are into hobos.
Don’t anyone bring me a cookie right now. I’m liable to get very emotional about it. Seriously. There could be hugging. I may kiss you.
Kids are being extra energetic and loud tonight. And nimble. Haven’t been able to solidly plant a tranquilizer dart in their butts all night
Silently judging you based your use of neutral quote marks and Futura Extra Black Condensed.
Searched for “iPhone” on Microsoft’s Live Search site. Another in a series: Jon’s utterly useless acts of protest.
And so it begins: Birthday messages from online forums I visited once, joined just so I could do a search and then completely forgot about.
Oldest daughter, @squidwoman is graduating from high school and turning 18 today. Proud, amazed, happy and weepy. We love you, carrie!
Just fixed a borked MacBook with a can of 10W-30 motor oil, a paperclip and some spackle. I am freaking MacGyver over here right now.
Just changed my OS X alert sound to Chewbacca’s wookie roar. Nerd alert level now reset to “Dangerously High.”
it is “Clown Day” at daughter’s pre-school today. AKA “Scar the Kidlets for Life and Be Prepared for a Lifetime of Therapy Day”
Been over here listening to Public Enemy’s “Fear of a Black Planet” all evening. I am unbelievably pissed off at whitey now.
Wife is up in Portland today doing lawyer mojo so everyone up there be on your best behavior. DO NOT PISS HER OFF. Trust me on this one.
Heart-Warming Story
funsizebytes:
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
...
We have far too many photos of Avril Lavigne on our “inspiration wall” here in studio. Can’t count how many ways this is disturbing to me.
I watch in adoration every night as my children sleep all tucked in their beds and it’s v. sweet. Apparently with the neighbors, not so much
