Live tweeting my wife’s Court appearance: Boring. Boring. Boring. Wow, my wife rocks! Boring. We get to eat afterwards, right? Boring.
College student and I have an agreement. As long as she gets good grades, I’ll keep paying for college and I won’t friend her on Facebook.
Ahead of her Supreme Court argument on Tue., wife had her hair colored. Badly, so Terror Level is now set to “Horrible, Streaky Highlights.”
We can now consider wife’s “Domestication of Jon Project” complete, as I just willingly and without provocation put a bed skirt on our bed.
Also, my saying, “If you lose, it’s probably because you work for The Man, not because you have weird hair,” was deemed, “NOT HELPFUL, JON.”
14YO: Dad, you’re late! Are you on your way yet? Me: Yes. Jeez, relax! I forgot to pick you up ONE TIME from summer camp. Let it go, dude.
You’d think I’d have a clear picture by now, but I’m always surprised at the level of “stoner daze” in the people who run the snowboard shop
Wife is arguing a case before the UT Supreme Court next week. I’ll be the one getting kicked out of the gallery for trying to start a Wave.
It’s hard to get a book published. Lucky for me, my high school experience with girls prepared me for constant, near universal rejection.
Daughter is home from college for spring break. She’s appalled that her 15YO bro is now taller than her. “He’s become a disgusting boy-man!”
“This is the first time you are opening Microsoft PowerPoint, are you sure you want to continue?” Clearly, life was good for a while there.
My statement to the 6YO, “if you don’t get up, I will put this Barbie down the garbage disposal” has now branded me a “big meanie pants.”
My yearly employee review is in 15 minutes. Not nearly enough time to get drunk and start searching LinkedIn for buzzwords. “Enterprise-y”
Even though the standard Utah highway patrolmen’s uniform has zero green on it, I now know it’s a *very* bad idea to pinch a trooper’s butt.
If you use Adobe apps and want “QuickLook” (Leopard spacebar preview thing): http://is.gd/lfh $15. I LOVE IT SO MUCH, I’M BUYING IT TWICE.
Sure fire way to get a 14 yr. old to scoot out of a room with *tremendous* haste: have his Mom start talking about getting a bikini wax.
From my ongoing “emo poetry” series, I give you The Geek: sudo sh -c “rm -rf ~/my_heart/ & chown -R nobody ~/my_heart & shutdown -hk”
Got new glasses: http://tinyurl.com/cyvb8j So nerdly that they just wrote a small shell script which replaces most of my job functions.
Me: Hey! Where are you going? You can’t quit! Plus, we’re Deals. We don’t know the meaning of “quit.” Kid: Dad, we need a better dictionary.
Wife left us a full meal before she left on a trip. Either she loves me or she doubts my ability to feed myself and the kids. No wagering.
Ellis, completely incredulous: There was this boy at school today, and he didn’t care *at all* that yesterday was my birthday.
“Ellis, you turn 6 tomorrow, what do you want to do?” “I want to take over the house and be in charge of everyone.” So, totally normal day.
Took @apelad to lunch in exchange for one of his books. He mocked my beard & I’m broke because I had to buy lunch for those stupid cats, too
Comments work again on my site! Yay! What’s that you say? You never read my blog? Oh. Fine. Back to cutting and weeping quietly to myself.
New rule: When you say, “Why isn’t it done? You had all weekend to finish” I get to poke you in the eye with my Wacom pen as much as I want.
Entering the “bloated, sweaty, sequined jumpsuit, nightly shows in Vegas” stage of my life. Grand comeback now sadly postponed until June.
“Wacky Hair Day” @ school for the 5YO. My unique hair care skill set finally had a chance to shine: mousse, 7 clips, ranch dressing, curlers
Last February, I did my own “review” of a Skittles product: http://is.gd/lu0y Take that, hateful high fructose corn syrup pushers. #skittles
The correct response to “We have way too much laundry to do!” is not “That’s because one of us wouldn’t go back on The Pill, sweetums.”