In Which the Tipsy and Slightly Evil When He's...
You excused yourself to go to the bathroom at the bar, leaving your iPhone on the table. Naturally, I took this opportunity to teach you an object lesson about “smart phone security” and did the following: Posted to Facebook that you’re a hermaphrodite and you’ve now made a decision about “which way to go” and you’re flying to Sweden next week to “finally take care...
I Am Currently Pulled Over by a Utah Highway...
But I’ve seen all five seasons of The Wire, so I think it’ll be OK. If I end up getting tazed, I’m going to be super annoyed. Though I am also going to have a hard time explaining why I’m also not currently wearing pants.
I love everyone. Making you a mix tape.
Just to Be Clear
Since I have all of next week off work, my soon to be ex co-worker Kim is picking me up in 20 minutes to take me to a bar, get me completely smashed on “Sex in the City” drinks (that’s how Kim rolls, bless her heart), and then drop me back off at home. I’m just saying, I’ll probably text/e-mail/and-or ask box you later this evening to say that I love you the...
My New Fake Band Name
“The Mutual Nakedidity Happiness Quotients” I play bongos and am a part time back up dancer. We’re going on tour summer, 2012.
The Turkeyening 2: The Electric Turkey Boogaloo
Cue omninous, foreboding background music… “This time, it’s at the ex’s house…”
Why Geeks Make Good Lovers →
Geeks have excellent finger dexterity. Geeks roll dice. Geeks play video games. Geeks flip pages in books. Geeks type a lot, and use characters like ~ and ^ and | that no one else has any use for. Geeks use calculators in postfix notation. As a result, a geek knows how to use his or her fingers to greatest possible effect. Whether you have a button that needs pushing or a joystick that needs...
Um… Thanks, I Think
Co-workers are arguing over which language is the “sexiest” language. “No way! Italian is the sexiest language by far. Jon, say something in Italian.” I say, “This is the most ridiculous argument I’ve ever heard” in Italian. “See, listen to that! Italian rocks. Even Jon sounds sexy when speaking Italian.”
My 17 Year Old Son Has Left Himself Logged Into...
He’s now a woman, in a “complicated” relationship with Pat Robertson and has severe menstrual cramps right now. “Someone bring me a heating pad, ASAP!” I am perhaps the worst father, ever. (BRB, changing his password and recovery email address so he can’t fix anything. Whee!)
The Kids and I Are Playing Clue.
Here’s the strategy for playing Clue with my kids: Make a wildly inaccurate and demonstrably false accusation the very first chance you get. You’ll lose and then not have to play Clue with the kids anymore. Also, the killer is *always* Col. Mustard. He’s a psycho with a blood lust.
In Which I Am a Day or So Late on a Meme Thing-y,...
1. What is your favorite word? Kerfluffle. Or Ginourmous. Big fan of both. I still maintain I invented both those words, despite all evidence to the contrary. 2. What is your least favorite word? Panties. (I can’t say that word out loud. I don’t know why. Seriously. I have daughters. I do their laundry all the time. WTF is my problem? I’m just not comfortable saying that word,...